a place to put it all down.

have you just ever had one of those days where you wake up in the morning and everything seems slightly askew and you begin to question everything? i’m having one of those mornings. i’m not really sure what it is that triggered this though. it might have something to do with sleeping around four hours and being completely wide awake before i expected to be, but something seems off. not like doom and gloom off, but just a bit weird.

i think my questioning everything has a lot to do with inner turmoil at the moment. work has really sucked for the last few weeks and i find myself enjoying it less and less. i feel as if though everyone is angry at me or is judging me harshly for the things i can and cannot do. sometimes i get overwhelmed and shut down too easily, but a lot of that has to do with being overstimulated and getting frustrated. being a server sometimes is the hardest thing in the world. mainly because you just don’t want to deal with people anymore. for some reason it always seems to be on that day in your life you have to deal with the craziest things ever. you can’t be rude to someone because they are asking you a thousand questions you don’t want to answer or don’t have the right answers to, so you just have to grin and bear it. most times that’s the last thing you want to do in any situation. you just get annoyed and it shows, no matter how hard you try.

i have just been in a weird mindset of late. i have begun to wonder about the things i used to do that i no longer do and if i’m really missing anything. for example, i know that my boyfriend is the one. i know that for sure. and we are about to celebrate a year anniversary and i’m beyond thrilled. but at the same time, i keep thinking to myself, “Is this it? Are we going to be together for 30 years from now? Are we going to just hate each other one day and just walk out on each other?” i can’t stop questioning it. at all. i think about it all the time. mainly because this is all new to me. i’ve never lived with a boyfriend and we’ve been living together 7 out of the 11 months we’ve been dating. so it’s all foreign and uncomfortable. it makes me feel weird on the inside. maybe it’s because not being certain of something i am so certain of is a quandary.

another thought i have had of late, since we just moved into a house and all of our stuff is spread out; when and why do we collect things? is it to prove we are consumers? i have boxes upon boxes filled with things that have no monetary value but would be devastated if i lost them. why have i kept those things? when does that become part of your life? collections of things like pictures, knick knacks from here and there, gifts from this person or that person. they have nothing but sentimental value and although you don’t ever use them, you can’t throw them away. i will never know why. it’s something i think about a lot. why is it important? is it something to cherish forever even after the person is gone and the memories start to fade? or is it to prove something? 

just going to bitch for just a minute.

I am about to go on a rant. Prepare yourselves.

• I get that I look like Adele. I’ve accepted it. Now if people would stop interrupting me when placing their orders at work to tell me this, my life would be a lot less awkward. But I’ve noticed that they tip me super well after I inform them that even my own grandmother has told me this.
• I need new clothes.
• I need to lose weight in the worst way possible.
• I would kill for oral sex right now.
• I need to finish painting. 
• I need to pay off IPFW so I can go back to school.
• I need to purge my closet. I have shit I haven’t worn in a VERY long time.
• I want to feel tingly inside again. It’s been a while and it worries me.
• I need to clean from top to bottom and paint my nook so I can make it my personal space where I can just chill out and zone.